Saturday, May 16, 2015

Coping Tools for Not Belonging
Studio. Making. Husband. Sister. Dogs. Music. Home.
These are the things I depend on to enrich my day. I don’t fit into my job world very well at all. It seems like everyone else has gotten the script and knows how to navigate. Like a deer in the headlights I continually feel stunned.
Out of place.
There is no one to talk to about how the 2 images I found that morning make my soul dance.
There is no one at school to share the beauty of the frog skeleton that I found.
The loneliness makes me feel like an alien.
The repetition of days and weeks make me feel like a lunatic in a straitjacket. I fear over my continual exhaustion, but I think that I am suffering from the job that I do and the world that it’s done in.
The job has kept me safe. It’s kept me in house and security and independence. I have developed coping skills to pay back what is leeched from me. I used to think it had to be people but lacking the skills necessary or even the interest, at this time, it is not.

I need to make. That is the end of every sentence. I am so happy about it! For most of my life I thought it was totally secondary. Now after a lifetime I find out it is primary. Now  a whole world opens each time I engage in making. Struggles, failures, disappointments. All of it marvelous and magical.

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