Mindfullness

The day came in wearing a false mask.
Sadness and desperation
I hate those two guys.
They will take the color and valor out of my life and leave me all alone.
I don't know where they come from.
Fear I guess.
They are made of paper and can be crumpled, torn or burned.
I choose deelight.
I will take my glorious toy car out for a ride and I will feel the deelight.
All a matter of perception.
Yessir.

18 linear inches of Journal

2013 -  Present
The thing-ness of these journals thrills me.
My history.
Documentation of my commitment/need.
I have lots of doubts (fewer and fewer however) about myself as an artist, but when I can see and touch this evidence of daily work ....it convinces even me.
Who do I think will question my authority? Guess I believed in the existence of Art-Cops ready to shame and punish those operating under false pretenses.
Isn't that silly?

When will I ever be an artist?

Since studio re-do is not even started yet and I am tired of wanting to paint and NOT painting. I've started.
Cut a stencil of Moroccan influence. Its made from a cereal box. I loved every minute of its creation. I tried it out this morning with materials available to me at my journaling table. Mucked up the painting surface right away! Hah! Good start. That means a layer to work over!
Honest layering!
The history begins!
I ordered rice paper so that I can paint transparent and paste.
CHINE COLLE! You know how long I've wanted Chine Colle to be a part of my life? Oh...since 1994! Woot! Rice paper will be there Tuesday!

Painting is forever in the back of my brain.
I tell myself:
Its takes so much
I want to paint BIG
I have to re-do my studio for making a paint mess
Studio re-do is a BIG JOB
I'm not really an artist until I make paintings

A peaceful solution came to me one morning while journaling. I can paint. Perhaps right now I will not paint on a 3' or 4' scale. I have lots of big paper. I have ready ideas. I'll paint smaller than really BIG. 24 x 36 is still bigger than my journal pages which are 8 1/2" x 51/2"!

So...as I journal, I mark pages as source material for paintings. I've chosen this one. Its a bird that I go back to time and time again. It feels like a good beginning painting place. Sort of safe. Very Loved. No text though.

Opportunity to fail

When I limit choices in making things happen:
* I get very frustrated because there is nothing I want to use
* Visual plane fails
* I have to make things work
Its at that time when my brain grows.
I get to fail. This place of failure is familiar. I have to move past it. I am working in a page of my journal and it cannot be abandoned. I love that about a picture plane---I can layer over, I can tear things off...those events of process are the very things that make the picture plane so rich to me!
By the end of this week when my fun game of table scraps is over I will be able to see this page as the beginning of the struggle....

Table Scraps

It dawned on me that my spaces are quite the mess. My journaling space has become constricting because of my resistance to throwing things AWAY.
I find them too lovely.  It's time to make use or toss.
They have a week.
I'll try to use them all.
I'll try NOT to use any other paper only table scraps.
Good exercise for my brain.
Good exercise for my psyche after a holiday season of wanton collage consumption.